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10/13/08 |
The pastor and his
wife went to the doctor's office for annual
physical examinations. The pastor stepped
on the scale and his wife, who had been worried
about his weight, asked the nurse, "Well, how is
it? Is he overweight?" The nurse was about
to answer, but the pastor, who was reading a
table of heights and weights on the wall,
answered first: "No, I'm not - according to that
table, I just need to be taller - I'm about five
inches too short!"
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10/8/08 |
The Senior Pastor
was interviewing a young seminary graduate for
the position of Assistant Pastor. "For
this position," said the Senior Pastor, "We are
looking for a responsible man."
"Then I'm your man," said the applicant,
"Everywhere I worked, before and during
seminary, whenever anything went wrong, they
said I was responsible."
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10/1/08 |
From an actual
Church Bulletin:
"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church
help."
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9/25/08 |
The woman with the
nasal, raspy voice was singing "Amazing Grace"
at an evangelistic service in a local park. She
was often slightly off-key.
A man in the audience bowed his head and wept
quietly.
The woman next to him leaned over and whispered,
"Excuse me, but are you a Christian?"
"No," said the man, "I'm a musician."
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9/18/08 |
The pastor's car
stalled at a traffic light. He tried to
start his engine, while behind him an angry
driver honked his horn. Finally, the
pastor got out of his car and walked back to the
other car.
"I'm sorry," he said to the other driver, "but I
can't start my car. If you'll go to it and start
it for me, I'll stay here and honk your horn."
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9/12/08 |
The pastor's wife
yawned and complained, "I'm tired! I'm almost
ready to drop!"
"YOU'RE tired," replied the pastor, "I'm the one
who should be tired! I had to give the sermons
at three services today!"
"I know," replied his wife, "but I had to LISTEN
to them!"
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9/9/08 |
The pastor was
frustrated. The new church secretary
ignored the phone when it rang. Finally he
told her, "You MUST answer the phone!"
"OK," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine
times out of ten, it's for you!"
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9/3/08 |
A Christian in
ancient Rome was placed into the arena where it
was intended that a lion would eat him. He
was seen to whisper something into the lion's
ear, and the animal fled from him in terror.
When asked about it, the Christian replied, "I
told him, 'After you've eaten, you'll be
expected to say a few words.'"
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8/28/08 |
A pastor climbed
into the barber's chair and asked, "Where's the
barber who used to work the other chair?"
"Oh, that was a sad case," the barber said, "He
became so despondent over poor business that
when a customer said he didn't want a shave, he
went out of his mind and cut the customer's
throat with a razor. He's now in the State
Mental Hospital. By the way, would you like a
shave, sir?"
"Absolutely!" said the pastor.
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8/20/08 |
The deacon's widow
was visiting her son's home. At dinner
they served wine and the little lady had a small
taste.
After a moment she said, "How strange. It
tastes exactly like the medicine your father
took every night for the past thirty years of
his life!"
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8/13/08 |
A drunk sat next to a
minister on a bus. The minister seemed to
be in prayer and the drunk interrupted him,
saying, "I ain't going to heaven. There ain't no
heaven."
The minister didn't say a word.
"I say there ain't no heaven," said the drunk in
a loud voice.
The minister still didn't answer him.
"I said I ain't going to heaven," shouted the
drunk.
The minister quietly turned to the drunk and
said, "Well, go to hell, then; but be quiet
about it."
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8/7/08 |
A church deacon retired
from his career in sales, but he needed extra
income and was working as a clerk in a
department store. One day, his supervisor
complained, "It's funny," he said, "you are
often late for work and you live right across
the street, but other workers who live further
away are always on time."
"There's nothing funny about that," answered the
retired man, "if the others were late to work,
they could hurry, but if I'm late, I'm already
here."
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8/1/08 |
Coming home late
one night from a meeting, a minister saw one of
his own parishioners staggering down the street.
Always ready to help, the minister took the man
home.
At the man's door, he pleaded with the minister
to come inside with him. The minister said
it was too late.
"Please, Reverend," the man said. "Just for a
minute. I want my wife to see who I've been out
with tonight."
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7/24/08 |
The pastor's wife was
stopped for speeding. The patrolman said
to her, "As soon as I saw you come around the
bend, I said to myself, sixty at least."
"That's silly," replied the pastor's wife.
"It's just this hat that makes me look that
old."
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7/17/08 |
The man was
celebrating his hundredth birthday and the
pastor asked him a question: "To what do you
attribute your longevity?"
The old man thought for a moment and then said,
"I never smoked, drank whiskey or stayed out
late. And I always walked two miles a day."
"But," asked the pastor, "I had an uncle who
lived that way, yet he only lived to be eighty.
How do you account for that?"
"He just didn't keep it long enough," the man
replied.
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7/10/08 |
It was after the
intermission at the theater, and the overweight
pastor and his wife were returning to their
seats.
"Did I step on your feet as I went out?" he
asked a man at the end of the row.
"You certainly did," replied the man, expecting
an apology.
The overweight pastor turned to his wife. "It's
all right, darling," he said. "This is our row."
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7/3/08 |
The teacher had
been helping her students understand the Ten
Commandments. She pointed at Johnny and
asked him, "Can you tell us a commandment that
has only four words?"
"Yes," he replied, "keep off the grass."
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6/24/08 |
The Sunday School
teacher was concerned because one of the little
boys had an odor. She thought about it and
one Sunday, she asked him, "Cleanliness is next
to what?"
"Impossible," he replied.
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6/17/08 |
One evening at a
banquet, the chairman realized that no clergyman
was present to return thanks. He turned to
the main speaker and said, "Sir, since there is
no minister here, will you ask the blessing,
please?"
The speaker stood up, bowed his head, and with
great feeling said, "There being no minister
present, let us thank God!"
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6/11/08 |
After Pastor
Ron's mother went to be with the Lord, a scrap
of paper was found in her handwriting with the
following words. Pastor Ron says that it
"somewhat sums up (his) childhood" -
"I know you believe you understand what you
think I said, but I am not sure you realize that
what you heard is not what I meant."
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6/3/08 |
Someone must
want us to slow down because they sent these
highway speeds and old Christian songs:
At 65 miles per hour, sing – “Highways Are Happy
Ways”
At 75 miles, sing – “I’m But a Stranger Here,
Heaven is My Home”
At 85 miles, sing – “Nearer My God to Thee”
At 95, sing – “When the Roll is Called Up
Yonder, I’ll Be There”
At 105, sing – “Lord, I’m Coming Home”
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5/28/08 |
The little girl
was eating dinner at a friend's house for the
first time. As the family sat down at the
table, they all bowed their heads for the
blessing.
"Why did you do that?" asked the surprised
little girl.
"We are giving thanks for our food," said her
friend's father. "Don't you do that at your
house?"
"Oh, no," replied the little girl. "We don't
have to. We pay for our food."
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5/22/08 |
The guest speaker
at a Church Conference gave a tremendous talk
and received a standing ovation. The
Conference leader was so impressed that he
asked, "Everyone here is very impressed. Will
you please say a few more words to us, since we
have about ten minutes left in this time slot?"
The guest speaker stood up and replied, "Once
there was a baby cabbage who said, "Mom, how
will I know when to stop growing?"
"The rule is simple," replied the mama cabbage;
"you quit when you are a head." And the
guest speaker sat down.
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5/14/08 |
Before the Bible study began, the
pastor spoke to one of the attendees: "You look
happier this evening," he said.
"Yes," responded the man, "I think my girl
friend and I are going to get married soon."
"Interesting," replied the pastor, "Did she accept
your proposal?"
"Not exactly," replied the man, "but yesterday
when I asked her again to marry me, she said she
was saying 'no' for the last time."
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5/7/08 |
The young church secretary
complained to the pastor that she was
shortchanged in her paycheck by $10.00.
The pastor replied, "You were accidentally
overpaid $10.00 last week and you didn't
complain."
"I know," replied the secretary. "I didn't
mind overlooking one mistake, but when it
happened the second time, I thought it was time
to complain."
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4/30/08 |
A parishioner asked the
pastor: "What was the best advice you ever
received?"
The pastor answered, "To marry the girl I did
marry."
"Who gave you that advice?" the parishioner
asked.
"She did," was the answer.
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4/23/08 |
The pastor thought he would
prepare his little 3-year old daughter for the
impending arrival of the new baby. He
didn't know how to do it, but then shrugged and
decided to say what his father had told him when
he was a boy: "The stork has been flying over
our house."
"I hope he doesn't frighten Mommy," the little
girl whispered. "She's pregnant, you know."
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4/17/08 |
The deacon demanded of his
wife, "What's happening to all the money we're
budgeting for groceries?"
His wife answered, "Stand sideways and look in
the mirror!"
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4/10/08 |
The pastor's wife was
serving sandwiches during the church's Saturday
Homeless Ministry.
As one of the men took his sandwich, she thought
about the church's search for a maintenance man,
and she asked, "Have you ever been offered
work?"
"Only once, lady," the man answered. "Aside from
that, I've met with nothing but kindness."
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4/3/08 |
While the minister was
visiting a patient at the state mental hospital,
he called his church to let them know he would
be late for his appointment that afternoon.
The receptionist sent by the temporary agency
for the day took his call.
He became frustrated during the call and
shouted, "Young lady, do you know who I am?"
"No, I don't," she replied, "but this phone has
caller I.D. and I know where you're calling
from!"
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3/26/08 |
The pastor commented to his
mother on the telephone that he was concerned
because the contributions to his church were
lessening.
His mother asked, "What have you been preaching
about?"
He responded, "I've been doing a series called,
'A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted!'"
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3/18/08 |
The Sunday school teacher asked her students,
“What was the Tower of Babel?” A boy answered,
“That was where Solomon kept his wives!”
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3/13/08 |
A minister was given a
ticket. In police court, the judge, who
was a member of the minister's church, asked if
he had anything to say.
"Yes," the minister replied, "Blessed are the
merciful for they shall obtain mercy."
The judge sentenced him and then replied, "Go
thou and sin no more."
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3/6/08 |
Two brothers were having a
talk as they left the Sunday School building.
One of them said, “I’m a little upset because I
think I know what Job’s first words were as a
baby. I heard in Sunday School that he cursed
the day he was born.”
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2/27/08 |
The pastor was giving
instructions to the church janitor before the
service began: "When I get to the part about
hell-fire and brimstone, shut off the air
conditioning!!!"
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2/20/08 |
The pastor visited a woman
who had been bitten by a rabid dog. The
doctors were not certain they had begun
treatment in time to save her.
While the pastor was talking and praying with
her, two doctors came into the hospital room and
told her the plain truth - her chances were very
bad.
Instead of seeming to be upset at the news, she
asked the pastor for a pen and paper and began
to write. The doctors left the room and
she kept writing for almost an hour.
Finally the pastor broke in and asked, "What are
you writing? Is it your will or possibly, is it
a letter to your family?"
"No," she replied, "it's a list of people I'm
going to bite."
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2/14/08 |
The Christian school
teacher asked the class, "Who was Joan of Arc?
There was a pause and then a boy raised his
hand. The teacher nodded and the boy said, "She
must have been Noah's wife."
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2/6/08 |
The head deacon and pastor were discussing
possible reasons why church attendance had been
declining so rapidly.
The deacon continued, "I'm not an expert, but
possibly you shouldn't close all your sermons and
Bible studies with, "But then, what do I know?"
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1/30/08 |
The young church piano
player auditioned before a famous concert
pianist who had consented to listen to her play.
After the audition she asked, "What do you think
I should do now?"
"Get married," the famous pianist
replied.
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1/23/08 |
The visiting pastor was
explaining to the congregation that he didn't
have enough time to really cover his subject
that day:
"Your Pastor said I could talk as long as I like
this morning, but he also said that after 1:30
PM, there won't be anybody here but me!"
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1/16/08 |
The pastor was speaking to
the chairperson in charge of the women's bake
sale at the church. "It's being rumored
that you and your husband aren't getting along
too well. Is there anything to it?"
"Nonsense," she replied. "We did have a
few words, and I shot him. But that's as far as
it went."
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1/9/08 |
The little boy's uncle took him to see his first
circus. When he came home, his mother
asked, "Well, how did you like it?"
"Gee, Mom," replied the boy, "If you'd only go
to the circus one time, you'd never go to church
again as long as you live!"
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1/2/08 |
The Church Board had agreed, and sure enough, a
little cafe was opened in the front of the
church, just to the left of the front door.
The pastor's daughter was hired as the waitress.
"I'd like coffee, without cream," the customer
said."
"I'm sorry," the pastor's daughter replied,
"You'll have to take it without milk. We're out
of cream." |
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